A Father is asked by his friend, “Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?”
“Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector,” he replies.
To this his friend responds “Strange ambition to have for a career.”
“Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!”
A blonde was driving down the road
A man went to the police station
A couple is on their honeymoon.
The husband is sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, “Now how can I tell my wife that I’ve got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink?
I’ve managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she’s bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink.
Now how do I tell her?”
Meanwhile, the wife is sitting in the bed saying to herself, “Now how do I tell my husband that I’ve got really bad breath?
I’ve been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he’s lived with me for a week, he’s bound to find out.
Now how do I tell him gently?”
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and walks into the bedroom.
He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, “Darling, I’ve got a confession to make.”
She says, “So have I, love.”
To which he replies, “Don’t tell me, you’ve eaten my socks.”
The husband picked up the phone
A young man and woman got married
An elderly, faithful man died and went to heaven.
When he arrived, God said, “Welcome John! You’re wife has been waiting for you!”
Bursting in tears of joy, John started to run around, looking for her frantically.
God said, “Not so fast! We have a little gift for you!”
John inquired, “What is it?”
God said, “Turn around.”
Behind John was a hot, gleaming Lamborghini! John exclaimed, “Is this for me?”
God said, “Of course it is! It’s a gift for how faithful you were to your wife!
The more faithful you are to your partner, the better car you get!”
John said, “Thanks so much! I’m going to go look for her! Thanks again!”
John searches for hours and hours, but still couldn’t find her, so he decided to sleep on it and try again tomorrow.
John was driving around the next day, and saw a woman that looked a lot similar to his wife.
In fact, it was! But instead of running up to her, he started crying and drove away to God.
When John approached God, God asked, “Why are you crying? Didn’t you see your wife?”
John replied, “She was on a skateboard…”
Husband Scolds His Wife For Forgetting
Good Old Days
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister,
“When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”
The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.”
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.
She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word “comfortable”.
The telegraph operator shakes his head.
“How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, “comfortable?”
The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. The word’s big. She’ll read it slow.”
A man comes to his doctor and tells
A old man is in the surgery
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, “I should be boss because I control the wh*le body’s responses and functions.”
The feet said, “We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.”
The hands said, “We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.”
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the bastard spoke up.
All the parts laughed at the idea of the bastard being the Boss.
So the bastard went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.
Eventually they all decided that the bastard should be the boss, so the motion was passed.
All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!
A beggar was given a piece of bread
She walked to the station to borrow
A man and his dog walk into a pub.
The landlord said, “Sorry, we don’t allow animals in here.”
The man replied, “But my dog can talk. Will you let him in, if he talks?”
The landlord chuckled and shook his head saying, “Yeah, sure, why not?”.
The man looked at his dog and smiled, “Alright! What’s on the outside of a tree?”.
The dog said, “Bark”.
“What’s on top of a house?”,
he asked next. “Roof!” the dog responded.
“What’s the opposite of smooth?”, he finally said.
“Ruff!”, the dog said.
The landlord snapped and stamped his feet on the ground saying, “That’s it. Get out of my bar.”
The man sighed and walked out of the bar with his dog.
Outside the pub, the man shouted at the dog saying, “What the hell was that?!”.
“Yeah, I know, I’m sorry,” the dog said.
A man tells his doctor
A biker walks into front door of a bar
A doctor goes to his office one Monday and is shocked to find that it has been ransacked and the files have all been mixed up.
He sees the file for Mrs. Smith, but her chart is mixed up with some of the others and he can’t tell which is which.
He finally narrows it down to two charts and he decides to call her house. Mr.Smith answers the phone.
“Mr. Smith, this is Dr. Jenkins. I have bad news. Your wife either has HIV or Alzheimer’s Disease, I don’t know which.”
“Well, what should I do?” asks a distraught Mr. Smith.
“Drop her off at the edge of town,” says the doctor, “and if she finds her way back, don’t bang her!”
Two dwarfs go into a bar
A fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach
A policeman goes home after a long and exhausting day at work.
He enters the dark bedroom and strips off his uniform, leaving it on the floor.
Being so tired he did not bother to turn on the light, plus he didn’t want to disturb his wife who was in bed.
Just before he got into bed his wife said,
“Honey we are out of bread, please buy one at the corner shop, as I needed it to make breakfast for the kids.”
“Fine,” said the husband,
“but you should have mentioned it before I took off my uniform.”
He then put on his uniform and went to the corner shop.
He took up the loaf of bread and while paying for it, the cashier says to him.
“New job?”
“Nah” replied the policeman.
“Really?” said the cashier, “so how come you have on fireman uniform?”
A husband went to the police station
Two old ladies Dolly and Ruby
A guy who has a bad stutter goes to the doctor, he says “doccttrr I have ttttoo gettt rid ooooff my stttuter ccccan you hhhhelp me?”
The doctor says okay let’s do a complete physical on you and see what we find.
The guy takes off his clothes and he’s got a huge mickey, the doctor says that’s the problem right there!
That weapon is so big it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing the stutter, we have several smaller transplants we can choose from and remove the big one.
So the guy agrees and has the surgery, a month later he goes back to see the doctor and says, “hey doc I can speak fantastically with no stutter, but my wife isn’t satisfied so I need my old roger back.”
The doctor says, “ffffVck yyyou.”
Johnny and Susie were playing
The nurse asks him
Little Harry walks in the bathroom and sees his mum with no clothes on, standing in front of him, he looks up at her private parts he asks “What’s that mum?”
His mum frozen tried to think what to say, finally she came up with the following, “That’s where your dad accidentally hit me with an love!” and little Harry replies,
“Good shot, right in the cunt!”
A older couple wake up in the morning
A family is at the dinner table
A blonde was rollerblading with her headphones on.
She stopped at a hair salon and asked for a haircut.
She instructed that the hair stylist could not take off her headphones.
The stylist replied refusing to cut her hair, so she left.
She went to a different hair salon and said the same thing.
This time, the stylist agreed to cut her hair.
After a while, the blonde fell asleep in the chair.
The stylist took off the headphones and the blonde died on the spot.
Confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones.
They were saying: “breath in, breath out.”
A beautiful young model boarded a plane
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation
Dry humor about water.
So these two guys are in a cabin in the woods by a small pond in Vermont.
One says, “Hey, go fetch some water to drink.”
So the other takes a pail and wades out into the pond to get water.
He looks up and there is a bear across the pond looking at him and growling!
The guy drops the pail and runs back to the cabin.
He bursts into the cabin and shouts, “There’s a bear in the lake!”
The other guy looks up and says, “Relax, he’s probably more scared than you are.”
The some what wet guy says, “Oh, then you wouldn’t want to drink the water anyway.”
Finding one of her student Little Johnny
Divorce letter with funny end
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
“But officer.” the man began, “I can explain”.
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back…”
“But officer, I just wanted to say….”
“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”
A man entered the bus
A teacher asks the kids
One night, a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib. Silently she watched him.
As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, even skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.
“A penny for your thoughts,” she said.
“It’s amazing!” he replied.
“I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $67.50.”
The husband picked up the phone
A man and his wife are dining at a table
A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and starts flexing in front of a blonde woman.
She exclaims “Wow, what a great chest you have!”
He says, “Solid dynamite, babe.”
He then takes off his pants and the blonde says, “Wow, what massive calves you have!”
He flexes his leg muscles and says, “Like I said, pure dynamite, sweetheart.”
Then he removes his underwear and the blonde goes running and screaming in fear.
He gets dressed and goes chasing after the woman.
When he catches up to her, he asks, “Why the hell did you go running off like that?”
She replies, “I was afraid to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was.”
The phone rang and a little boy answered
A guy was in an elevator one day
An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: “They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!” she cried.
The dispatcher said, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way.”
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. “Disregard.”
He says. “She got in the back seat by mistake.”
There were two men at a bar
A blonde struggling with her weight
Three blondes are talking about their boyfriends.
“It’s funny,” says Samantha, “Peter’s nuts are always cold as ice when I’m giving him a BJ!”
“You know what?” replies Jenny, “It’s exactly the same with my Richard!”
They turn to the third blonde and ask: “When you blow Chris, are his nuts cold, also?”
“Ugh! That’s disgusting! I never put his thing in my mouth!”
“You’re crazy,” one of the blondes pipes up.
“A good BJ is the best way to keep a guy! You should try it!”
She says she’ll think about it.
The next morning, they meet at the cafe and the BJ novice is sporting a wicked shiner.
“Whoa!” the first blonde asks, “How did you get that black eye?!”
“Chris hit me when I was blowing him,” she said.
“What on earth for?!” the second blonde asks.
“I don’t know,” she replies. “All I did was tell him how strange it was that his nuts were so warm, seeing as Pete and Richard’s are so cold!”
Three guys are in a Cessna
A woman goes to the doctor
Eliza says to the other two, “You know girls, my husband bought me the most wonderful jewelry for our anniversary.
A lavish diamond necklace and some beautiful earrings.”
“How wonderful!” Josephine says.
Isabelle responds, “That’s nice, real nice.”
Josephine then says to the other two, “Well my husband spared no expense for our anniversary he took us on a beautiful trip to the Bahamas.”
“Amazing!” Responds Eliza.
“That’s nice, real nice.” Isabelle says.
Eliza and Josephine look to Isabelle.
“What did your husband get you for your anniversary?” asks Eliza.
“He bought me lessons in southern etiquette classes.” Isabelle says.
“Etiquette classes?” Eliza says.
“What did you learn there?” asks Josephine.
“Well,” says Isabelle, “I used to say, ‘I DON’T GIVE A RATS BUM.’ but now I say,
‘That’s nice, real nice.’”
Johnny and Billy are walking to the church
A old man gets on a crowded bus
A water bearer in India had two large pots, one hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master’s house.
The cracked pot arrived only half full for a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his master’s house.
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made.
But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.
After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream.
“I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you.”
“Why?” asked the bearer.“What are you ashamed of?”
“I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master’s house.
Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don’t get full value from your efforts,” the pot said.
The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, “As we return to the master’s house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path.”
Tom was in his early
The girls were beginning to use lipstick
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 is there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s.
She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begin to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics, he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
‘I’m sorry,’ he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, ‘but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday…’
‘Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
The Lion & The Poor Slave
A Father Tests His Twin Boys On Christmas
The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of melons are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.
In her 20s, a woman’s fronts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks.
“Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter.
The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”
The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.
“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
A boss said to his secretary
Anna realized that she had grown
One afternoon a Lawyer was driving home,…
when he saw a man eating grass by the side of the road
“Why are doing that?” the lawyer asked.
“I don’t have any money for food” the man replied.
“Oh, then you must come with me”.
“But, Sir, I have a wife and five children.”
“They are all welcome”.
So the family got in the lawyer’s car and he sped off towards his mansion.
“You’re so kind to help so many people” the wife gushed during the journey.
“It’s fine”. said the lawyer.
“I haven’t cut my grass in weeks
A junior manager a senior manager and their boss
Baby Love, Cup Of Tea & Dad
An elderly couple named Bill and Helen went to the county fair each year.
One year, a man at the fair was giving helicopter rides for 50 dollars.
Having never been in a helicopter in all his years, Bill begged Helen to let them ride.
She refused, quipping “50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
The following year, the man was there again, and again Bill begged for a ride.
Again Helen turned it down, saying “50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
The third year the same exact conversation happened, except this time the pilot overheard.
He offered the couple a free ride, but with one condition.
They must not make a sound while in the air, or they would have to pay the 50 dollars.
Bill and Helen agreed and climbed aboard.
As soon as they left the ground, the pilot began performing hair raising maneuvers in the air, but try as he might, he could not get the couple to utter a sound.
When they finally touched down, the pilot turned to Bill and exclaimed, “that was an amazing show of self control, you have earned your free ride”.
Bill replied, “well, I nearly said something when Helen fell out, but 50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
She asks the doctor about her baby
A serious drunk walked into a bar
A husband sends a text to his wife.
Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office.
Tina brought me to the hospital.
They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious.
Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.
Wife’s Response: Who is Tina?
A elderly priest dies and goes to heaven
A man boarded a plane with six kids
A new nurse at a hospital was perplexed by Dr. Smith’s behavior.
Off and on throughout her shift Dr. Smith would run up and down the hallway, yelling, “Tetanus, measles, flu!”
Very curious, the nurse asked the head nurse, “Why does Dr. Smith keep doing that?”
“Oh, just ignore him,” the head nurse said.
“He thinks he calls all the shots around here.”
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital
A doctor and engineer were in love with same woman
A man went into the kitchen to make breakfast and was shocked to see a rabbit sitting inside his refrigerator.
He yelled
“Hey! What are you doing in there?!”
The rabbit asked back
“Well this refrigerator is a Westinghouse, right?”
“I guess… What difference does that make?”
“I’m wasting.”
The teacher asked Johnny
A little old lady went to see the doctor
Two elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami.
They had been meeting at that park every sunny day for over a dozen years.
One day, the younger of the two ladies turns to the other and says, “Please don’t be angry with me, but after all these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can’t.”
The older friend stares at her and then says, “How soon do you have to know?”
You sink your teeth into a steak
A city park stood two statues
Jack goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I’m having trouble getting my weapon hand job. Can you help me?”
After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, “Well, the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your weapon are damaged.
There’s really nothing I can do for you unless you are willing to try an experimental treatment.”
Jack asks sadly, “What is this treatment?”
“Well,” the doctor explains, “what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your weapon.”
Jack thinks about it silently then says, “Well the thought of going through life without ever having lovemaking again is too much, let’s go for it.”
A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment.
He planned a romantic evening and took his date to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.
In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable.
To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly.
His weapon immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his pants.
His date was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, “That was incredible! Can you do that again?”
Jack replied, “Well, I guess so, but I don’t think I can fit another roll in my bum.”
A elderly man goes into a night house
A man and woman were discussing
A blonde is pregnant, and is practically 9 months along.
She goes to see her doctor for a routine check-up, but she is worried.
She asks, “What if the baby starts coming, and I can’t get to the hospital in time?”
The doctor replies, “Well, woman have been having babies for a million years without an attendance by doctors.
It’s a very natural process.
The first thing you do is to assume the same position you were laying in when you got pregnant.”
The blonde interrupts with,
“Do you mean with the left foot in the glove compartment and the right foot hanging out the window
The pick-up couple was relaxing after lovemaking
Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents
A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 AM.
The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies, “How am I supposed to know? We’re 200 miles inland!” and hangs up.
Her husband rolls over and asks, “Sweetheart, who was that?”
“I don’t know, some dumb b!tch asking if the coast is clear.”
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer
A elderly couple were sitting together