The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV.
My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back home to get my husband’s help.
When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes.
He was in the bedroom with our neighbor’s daughter.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor’s daughter is 19 we have been married for 10 years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he’d been having an affair for the past six months.
He won’t go to counselling, and I’m afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently.
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila.
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps, John.
A frail old man went to live
The Sick Lion & The Fox
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the protection aisle.
The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of protection.
The father replies, ”Well, you see that 3-pack? That’s for when you’re in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.”
The son then asks his father, ”What’s the 6-pack for?”
The father replies, ”Well, that’s for when you’re in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.”
Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ”Well, that’s for when you’re married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.”
A young couple were on their honeymoon
She was in bed with her boyfriend
Three young women are at a cocktail party.
The conversation turns to their position in life, and it’s clear that they’re trying to one-up each other.
The first one says, “My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation,” and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says, “Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes,” and looks about with considerable pride. Young woman number three says, “Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don’t have much money and we don’t have many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his self practice thing.”
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, “Girls, I’ve got a confession to make: I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it’s not to the French Riviera, it’s to my folks’ house in Terrie Hate for two weeks.”
The second one says, “Your honesty has shamed me. It’s not a Mercedes; it’s a Plymouth.”
“Well, I’ve got a confession to make myself: Canary number fourteen has to stand on one leg.”
This guy goes into a doctor
Dan was a single guy living at home
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th-grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor,
So he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
“Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey.
It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail.
“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.
Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded,
“Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms.”
She wanted to discuss
A Sales Associate at Walmart
A early morning husband woke up his wife and asked her: “Honey would you like to join me for Yoga?”
She: “Ohh. So you mean to say I am fat?”
Hubby: “No. Yoga is good for health.”
She: “Oh.. that means I am sick.”
Hubby: “No no. If you don’t want to get up, then it’s OK.”…
She: “So now you think I am lazy, ha?”
Hubby: “Nooo. You are misunderstanding me. I didn’t mean….”
She: “Aha ! So I don’t understand you, right?”
Hubby: “Now look I didn’t say that.”
She: “So am I lying? “
Hubby: Plz “don’t stretch it in the morning”
She: “Oh wow. So I am a quarrelsome lady.”
Hubby: “All right ! Its better that I also don’t go for Yoga.”
She: “See ? You never wanted to go. Just wanted to blame me.”
HUBBY: “Ok You go off to sleep. I am going alone.. happy?.”
SHE: “You always go alone everywhere and enjoy.”
Hubby: “Plz . I am feeling giddy now “
She: “See? You are so selfish. Always think of yourself only. Never think of my health.”
Husband is sitting and thinking where he went wrong
The 6th grade school teacher asked
The court why you want a divorce
One day, he told his problem to a friend he worked with at Walmart.
His friend told him, “There is a possibility to make the truck easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied Billy Bob, “I really need to sell the truck.”
“Okay,” said Billy Bob’s friend.
“Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a repair shop tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer in your truck back to 50,000 miles then it should not be a problem to sell it anymore.”
The following weekend, Billy Bob made the trip to the mechanic.
Two weeks later the friend asked Billy Bob, “Did you sell your truck?”
“No,” replied Billy Bob, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”
A milkman who is dying in the hospital
I joined an online dating site and met a girl
A young man was getting ready to graduate college for many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer’s showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted.
As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car.
Finally, on the morning of his graduation his father called him into his private study
His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him.
He handed his son a beautiful wrapped gift box.
Curious, but somewhat disappointed the young man opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible angrily,he raised his voice at his father and said, “With all your money you give me a Bible?” and stormed out of the house, leaving the holy book.
Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business
He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was very old, and thought perhaps he should go to him.
He had not seen him since that graduation day
Before he could make arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son.
He needed to come home immediately and take care things
When he arrived at his father’s house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart.
He began to search his father’s important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as he had left it years ago.
With tears, he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages
As he read those words, a car key dropped from an envelope taped behind the Bible.
It had a tag with the dealer’s name, the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired
On the tag was the date of his graduation, and the words…PAID IN FULL.
How many times do we miss God’s blessings because they are not packaged as we expected?
A man had just settled into his seat
A anthropologist studying the habits
At one point during the game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”
The little boy nodded yes.
“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head do you understand all that?”
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, “And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb bastard’, is it?”
Again the little boy nodded.
“Good,” said the coach.
“Now go over there and explain all that to your mother.”
A 97 year old midwife at the Pearly Gates
As he walked up to old lady’s car
My wife and I were reflecting on the past year, whilst dining at a restaurant.
I started to complain about something that hadn’t happened the way I wanted it to.
My wife focused her attention on a Christmas tree that someone put there.
I thought that she wasn’t interested in the conversation, so I changed the subject:
“This tree has a beautiful illumination”?, I said.
“Yes, but if you look carefully you can see one burnt light among dozens.
“It seems to me that instead of thinking of this year as dozens of enlightened blessings, you chose to look at the one light that did not glow”
A large bag of money
The cop says woman
A couple were Christmas shopping.
The shopping center was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised.
When she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said, “Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn’t afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?”
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, “Yes, I do remember that shop.”
He replied, “Well, I’m in the bar next door.”
A man and his wife were having some problems
A elderly couple who were childhood
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
“Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable It’s just that you look just like my son who just died recently.”
“I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “Is there anything I can do for you?”
“Yes,” she said.
“As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Goodbye mother’? It would make me feel much better.”
“Sure,” answered the young man as the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye mother!”
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50
“How can that be?” he asked, “I only purchased a few things!”
“Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.
A man went to a gift store
A security guard has a dream
A man walks into a dimly lit bar and the bartender asks him, “Why is the front of your shirt all bloody?”
His customer answers in a slurred voice, “My wife caught me with another woman and cut off my weapon.”
“Oh come on,” replies the bartender.
The customer then says, “If you don’t believe me, I’ll show you.”
He proceeds to rifle through his suitcase and pulls out this long thin thing and lays it on the bar.
The bartender bends down and looks closely and says, “Why this is just a cigar”.
The customer looks puzzled and says, “I have it here somewhere” and proceeds to fumble through his other pockets and comes up with another long thin thing and placing it on the bar, and says, “See that”.
The bartender again inspects it closely and says, “You idiot, that’s just another cigar.”
Now the customer staggers backward and steadies himself, leaning on the bar and with awareness in his shaky voice says, “Oh no, I must have smoked it!”
A man and woman were discussing
A English teacher spent a lot of time
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,
“Some bum wants to buy a half head of lettuce.”
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him,
so he ……….added, “And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.”
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.
We like people who think on their feet here.
Where are you from, son?”
” Georgia , sir.” the boy replied.
“Well, why did you leave Georgia ?” the manager asked.
The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but call girl and football players down there.”
“Really?” said the manager. “My wife is from Georgia .”
“No shit?” replied the boy. “Who’d she play for?”
Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven
Two gorgeous 21 year old twin girls lying on the bed
A old lady was walking her dog around a lake on a cold winter morning and the lake was still frozen.
All of a sudden, her little dog spotted a duck that was walking on the ice and ran out onto the frozen lake to try and catch it.
The dog ended up falling through the thin ice, fell into the freezing water and the old lady started to scream for help.
“Help, help, my dog has fallen into the lake”, she cried out in a state of hysteria.
Watching all this commotion was a German student, who had been jogging around the park.
He sprinted over to the lady and asked, “Vot is zee matter viv your dog, can I za help?”
“Oh yes please,” the old lady said.
“My dog is in the water over there” and she pointed out to the lake, where how pet pooch was thrashing about in the water, struggling to stay afloat.
So, the brave German jogger, without hesitation, waded into the near-freezing water of the lake, saved the dog and placed it on the grass beside the old lady.
“Oh you are so kind”, the old lady said,
“Are you a vet?”
“VET!”, replied the German jogger.
“VET! I’m soaked!”
A teenager has a crush on a girl
Two men were golfing
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender,
“I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don’t try to fool me because I can tell the difference.”
The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch.
The man takes a sip, scowls and says,
“Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch.”
The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch.
The man takes a sip, grimaces and says,
“Bartender, I don’t want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!”
Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs,
“Ah, now that’s the real thing.”
A disgusting, grimy, stinking old drunk has been watching all this with great interest.
He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says,
“Hey, I think that’s really far out what you can do. Try this one.”
The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries,
“Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!”
The drunk’s eyes light up and he says,
“Yeah, now tell me,… how old am I?”
At school little Johnny’s class is learning about medicines
Three women one engaged, one married
At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying,
“I know the whole truth.”
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother.
He says, “I know the whole truth.”
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says,
“Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your daddy a great big hug!”
He goes to the emergency room
A woman told to her husband
A young man and a young woman were soon to be married, but they both had a problem they had never told anyone else about.
The man approached his father one day before the wedding and told him about his problem.
His feet REALLY stunk, even if he washed them constantly, he was worried that this would scare off his new bride, so he needed a solution, fast.
His father pondered the situation and finally told his son to wear socks constantly (even to bed) and always wash his feet whenever he got a chance.
The son thought about this and went along happy.
The same day the young lady approached her mother and told her about her problem her morning breath was horrid.
Her mother reassured her and told her everyone had bad morning breath.
The young woman told her mother that this was not normal morning breath but easily the worst in the world.
The mother thinks about this and comes up with this bright idea.
She tells her daughter to get up earlier than everyone else and don’t say a thing, go make breakfast and then brush her teeth while the others are eating.
The young woman thinks and then runs off to get ready for the wedding, happy.
The couple is married and they are happy, him with his perpetual socks and her with her morning silences.
One morning about 5:30 am the young man wakes up to find one sock missing.
He starts rustling around in the bed looking for it, which of course wakes up his wife, who without thinking asks what’s wrong.
With a look of shock on his face the young man says, “OH MY GOD! You’ve swallowed my sock!”
The Elderly Couple Gets Stranded On Island
A Little Boy Goes To His Father And Asks
A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
“God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.”
The father asked, ‘Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?’
The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”
The next day Grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,
“God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma..”
The next day the grandmother died.
“Holy crap” thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.”
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say,
“God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.”
He practically went into shock.
He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day had lunch and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said,
“I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter?”
He said, “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”
She said, “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me.
This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!”
Grandpa was telling his grandson
Johnny was told by his friends
Little Johnny is back at school after the holidays.
After a few days, his teacher calls up Little Johnny’s dad to report that Johnny has been behaving badly at school.
His dad says to the teacher
“Hang on a minute, I had Johnny at home with me for 2 months and I never phoned you once when he misbehaved.”
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday
Sarah parents are excited to meet her new boyfriend
There are 3 girls on a island.
They are blond, brunette and a black haired.
After 3 weeks of starvation god comes down and says, “Go home already. i will give you 1 wish each. use it wisely.
The brunette says “i want to go home!” and poof she goes home.
The black says “i want to go home!” and poof she goes home.
The the blonde says “i want my friends back!”
A little girl that didn’t know
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib.
Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.
“A penny for your thoughts,” she said.
“It’s amazing!” he replied.
“I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50.”
A old gentleman marries a younger lady
She woke up and told her husband
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.
“This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter,” said the first one.
“No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,” said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
“Bring me my biggest sword,” said Solomon, “and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.”
“Sounds good to me,” said the first woman. But the other woman said, “Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman’s daughter marry him.”
The wise King did not hesitate a moment. “The attorney must marry the first lady’s daughter,” he proclaimed.
“But she was willing to hew him in two!” exclaimed the King’s court.
“Indeed,” said wise King Solomon, “and that proves she is, indeed, the TRUE mother-in-law.”
A blonde went to a flight school insisting
He rubs it and a genie emerges
A couple were driving home late at night in the pouring rain when their car accidentally ran over a badger.
They got out of the car to see whether it was still alive, and found that although it was very cold, the animal was still breathing.
“What shall we do?” said the wife.
“I know,” said the husband.
“Put it between your legs to warm it up.”
“But it’s all wet and it stinks!”
“Well, cover the badger’s nose then!”
A young boy caught sight of his mother
A man was on a bus tour
A boy who was a witness to a crime was called to testify in court.
He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, “Did anyone tell you what to say in court?”
“Yes, sir,” answered the boy.
“I thought so,” said the attorney. “Who was it?”
“My father, sir.”
“And what did he tell you?” the attorney asked accusingly.
“He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I told the truth, everything would be all right.”
A 97-Year-Old Man Comes To His Doctor
A woman from New York was driving
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well.
The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor says: “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up.
Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch.
Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.”
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers: “Jeez doc, exactly what’s my problem?”
The Doctor replied, “You’re not drinking enough water.”
The cabbie said no problem
They were reaching a stalemate
Three women die together in an accident And go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: Don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, There are ducks all over the place It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, And although they try their best to avoid them, The first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”
The next day, The second woman steps accidentally on a duck And along comes St. Peter, Who doesn’t miss a thing with him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, Not wanting to be chained For all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months Without stepping on any ducks,
But One day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”
Two men both seriously ill
The pilot announced
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip…
After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
“Watson…look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?”
Watson pondered this for a minute.
“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: “Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!”
3 nuns go to mother superior and say
A boy is visiting his girlfriend’s parents
Three drunkards were walking down the street when they came upon a pile of manure where they stopped.
The first drunkard, upon observation of the manure said to the other two, “Looks like it…”
The second, bending over it and sniffing, said to the other two, “smells like it…”
The third, sticking his finger in it, said, “feels like it.”
“Good thing we didn’t step in it”, they all agreed as they turned and walked away.
A blonde struggling with her weight
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any lovemaking in quite some time.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a make love therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she go and see Dr Chang, the well-known make love therapist.
So she went to see him and upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said,
‘OK, take off all you crose.’
So she did.
Dr Chang then said,
‘Ok now, crawl reery fass to the other side of the room.’
So she did.
Dr Chang then said,
‘OK’ now crawl reery fass to me,’
So she did.
Dr Chang slowly shook his head and said,
‘Your problem very bad, you had Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I
ever see, that why you not had make love or dates.’
Confused the woman asked,
‘What is Ed Zachary Disease?’
Two drunks are walking along
Two guys are sitting at a bar
An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard.
Then they heard voices.
Three men had broken into the greenhouse.
Scared, they called the police.
The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls.
The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again.
He told Dispatch, “Don’t worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!”
In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed!
One of the cops asked the old man, “I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them.”
The old man replied, “I thought you said, there weren’t any officers available.”
A very elderly couple
A woman came home from work late